This letter should have been written on Tuesday, June 26, 2012, being that it was Saturday, May 26, 2012 that I met 'R' for the first time. What with a very hectic week at work and then the sad news on Wednesday, it was never written. I am writing it now to try and put closure on the situation.
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| R's present home - a wonderful orphanage |
Heart Letter #1
Dear R,
The idea of writing to you each month, at the beginning the
letters would be about where I was in the process to bring you home, and then later
when you were home they would be a way to record the events and happenings in
your life, and special things that were you were doing, was borrowed from a friend I have made online who also has a blog. Her name is Lisa and if you ever want to read her blog it is called, "Are We There Yet, Len?". As you have no baby book, or pictures of
yourself pre-adoption - other than all the ones I took, these letters would have been one way in which I tried
to document your childhood so you had something tangible as you grew up to look
back on. This first letter is now
more than a few days late! I started it
last weekend on Canada Day but couldn’t finish it. It is now very late - July 5th! Let’s just say I am not off to a great
start! I had every intention of writing
it last Tuesday, June 26 – a month to
the day from meeting you, but excuses, excuses, excuses!!!! After a very hectic, crazy busy and stressful
last week of school I am finally catching my breath.
My dear R, unfortunately this is to be my first and last
letter to you. On Wednesday, June 27,
2012, I received an email from the director of the agency in Ontario telling me
that the family that adopted your younger sister and that lives in the Netherlands
is coming back to start the paperwork to adopt you this summer. Needless to say, one part of me was
devastated and I have cried and cried. You
made such an impact on me in the short time we spent together! I look at all the pictures I have and hope
you will continue to let your light shine.
Your “forever family” is very blessed and fortunate to be adopting you. There is another part of me that is happy for you because
you are going to be reunited with your little sister. I have video footage of you talking about your
family and you are obviously still hurting over this loss. Nobody was able to confirm your older siblings, although S did say something about somebody in town,
so I hope one day you can discover what happened to them. I hope
you can accept why it took your new family so long to come back and get you and why they didn't take yow with your sister in the first place. They must have a very good reason and nobody here in Canada can believe you
were allowed to be separated from your sister in the first place! You are a very brave girl to have gone
through this and the strength you have gained from this life experience will
make you a stronger and more understanding person in the future. You have such a wonderful spirit and so much
love to give.
I loved spending time
with you and will never forget our little of routine of me going back to the
hotel and waving to you and some your friends from the balcony. It is unbelievable that you were right under
my nose all week!
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| The hotel from the orphanage front porch with no zoom! |
I arrived in town on
Sunday and didn’t meet you until Saturday! You made the first move and then didn’t let go
even when there were other distractions around.
From all the things we did together: drawing, reading - you to me and me
to you, playing ‘Noughts and Crosses’ or ‘Tic-Tac-Toe”, playing on my i-pod touch,
talking on the front porch, writing out math problems for each other - the ones you gave me were really hard,
there is one thing that makes me smile. That one is the pictures and
videos of you hooked on Angry Birds! It didn't take you long at all to figure out the game and join the craze! I
guess we might have been able to say, “like mother, like daughter”! Rest assured dear R, that you playing time once home would have been limited! I don’t write as well as Lisa, she used to be
a high school English teacher, but so want to put something out there for
you. You touched my heart in so many
ways and I had started to think about all the things we could do together.
I don’t know what else to say.
I will never forget you and hope and pray you are happy with your new family. I did phone and talk to a special lady at your place on Wednesday night. I don’t want the kind people who look after
you to think these changes were due to me!
I wish I could post a picture of you for the world to see but I am not allowed to you as you aren't mine.
If I could, I'd want people to see your beautiful skin and colouring, your silky, curly black hair, your bright eyes, but most of all your amazing,
heart-warming smile. I have three
favourite pictures of you. One that I took
from across the dining hall as you surveyed the scene and the chaos of the
goody bags being shared. The second of you and me together on the front porch, and finally the one of you waiting
for me inside the gate the night before I left.
You had flowers in a little pop bottle that you must have picked from S’s garden (I hope you didn’t
get in trouble for this), your purse and your doll. I think you’d have come with me right then
and there if you’d been allowed. I so
wish I could tell you what is happening to you myself. I want you to know that it is not any
decision I made that has made this not work out.
My dearest R, I just wish I could hold you in my arms and love
you, sit you in my lap, snuggle you and read you stories to your heart’s content,
and finally comfort you when are upset and hurting. I would love to send you the pictures I have
of us and a special stuffy but don’t want to ruin things for either of us. I want you to move bravely forward. I hope you have many happy years with your
sister A, and can grow old together. I
am picturing the two of you walking around town with your walkers!!!!!! I will somehow move on. At the moment I don’t know how or from where, but I
have come this far in my journey to be a mother and need to be able to love-on and cherish
somebody! The children in your country
touched my heart in so many ways and some of the pictures show me happier than I have been for a long, long time.
I don't know how much faith I have in the adoption system now and I am not sure I can handle more loss. I was never told that they were contacting your sister's family and the news of this loss came out of left field. Had they told me upfront before I left the country that they were calling A's family, I could have braced myself for this news! This is more than
you need to know right now my dear girl, so I feel bad writing it down, but one day when you are older you might be able to understand it.
For now R, know that you touched my heart, are very, very special and have a great ability to make others happy. You will go far in life in whatever way you choose and who knows the world is small and one day our paths may cross again.
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| The only picture of you and me that I am allowed to post. I love it. It is us leaving the orphanage! |
Love and hugs to you,
Miss – as you called me or
Miss Elizabeth – as I tried to get you to call me
This is beautiful and heartbreaking, Elizabeth... Thank you for sharing this very difficult and intimate process. I know you will never forget little R, but I hope you can find closure.
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